Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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