i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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