I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
