Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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