i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize