Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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