Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
