I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
