how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
