So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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