i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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