Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
