Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
