he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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