im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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