You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
