Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
