end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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