I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
