I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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