bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
