Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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