I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
