His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
