I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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