found the other keg... it's in the tree
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
