It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You need Xanax blowdarts
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
