um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
