toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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