I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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