wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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