Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
