I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
