your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
