My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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