I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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