I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
