Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
