girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How naked do you want me to be?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
