Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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