Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
