i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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