I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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