Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
