Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
