Got a toothbrush?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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