What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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