just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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