I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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