My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
