when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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