I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
